Nice. Really nice. 'Great Expectations', the 1998 film after Charles Dickens' novel. I'd not seen it before, and I absolutely love it. It's such a fairy tale - and even though it is a rocky road, the end is good - or at least promising. Yes, I really liked it. I had another brilliant evening with some of my best friends, feeling happy for a while, not even missing her. I will miss these evenings when I go, soon now, very soon.

So here I am again. It took quite a while, but that's not a problem - the thinking, the feeling continues. I am constantly swung between a feeling of 'maybe they are all right and it is time to move on' and a stubborn feeling of hanging on to my feelings for her. But I know that when we will meet again in person - less than two months from now if all goes well - I will be totally, totally into her again. And I know that I don't want to give in.


But I want to be happy, too. And I'm not very happy right now - there is always that 'I've lost her' feeling in the background - or not so in the background on bad days. I keeps me from flying high, keeps me down. Somehow it prevents me from being myself and - especially - being happy with who I am.


Yes, like we said, I., a couple of weeks ago - it is crucial that we know who we are ourselves, and that we are happy with who we are. Our little theory that this is why so many relations fail nowadays, because people are much too busy all the time, they don't take the time to get to know and accept themselves, might very well be true.

I admit, that was a silly comment, about the feeling something. Because, of course, I am feeling something, I'm feeling more, much more than before - only it is taking me down. In a way I got what I asked for, I wanted to feel what love is like, and I am now, only it is tearing me apart.

So I should be happy then, now I know what love is. Love is wanting to be with that one person all the time, being influenced by even just a single blink of their eyes, a willingness to to anything for them, even if it means giving up something else you love, or if it destroys yourself. Love is the opposite of indifference, someone said. Love is the most powerful emotion. Strong enough to completely overturn your whole being, to make you go from desperately happy to desperately down in a fraction of a second, and then back again. Love is your life-river flowing through a rocky channel, so powerful and beautiful.

So I have it now - but she doesn't. She just likes me. We've been together once, we know each other quite well - we are on the same wavelength. But she doesn't love me.

OK, so here does my blog start. Only a couple of days after my life seems to have ended, at least, my conscious, life-loving, energized life. I seem to have lost all my joys in life - I do my work without enthousiasm, drive slowly, think slowly, talk slowly, and feel numb, as if my heart is broken. Oh and it is, not just broken, but shattered, in thousands of small pieces, after which each of these pieces has been completely destroyed. I'm suffering, really suffering.

I can't remember being so down - I'm even having (passive) suicidal thoughts. In the plane I was thinking that I wouldn't mind if it would explode in mid-air. Of course I wouldn't actively seek my own destruction, no, that would be too selfish a deed. But it's just that if someone - fate, God, whatever - decides that my time is up right now, I wouldn't mind.

It's amazing how much influence that girl has on me. So much that she basically controls my life - because I let her. Oh I can't be angry with her, I just love her too much, way too much. She said "I'm sorry that I don't love you. Because I really like you, you know...". But not enough, not enough. It seems that what she doesn't have enough, I have too much - so much that it is suffocating me. I've been in this situation for more than a year and a half now, and I just can't give up - she says, by the way, that I shouldn't give up, but rather let go. But now something seems to have broken in me, I have lost all my enthousiasm and desire for life.

My friends tell me to look into other possibilities, but I can't, no, not while my feelings for her are still so strong.

Enough for now. I'll go and try to feel something.