OK, so here does my blog start. Only a couple of days after my life seems to have ended, at least, my conscious, life-loving, energized life. I seem to have lost all my joys in life - I do my work without enthousiasm, drive slowly, think slowly, talk slowly, and feel numb, as if my heart is broken. Oh and it is, not just broken, but shattered, in thousands of small pieces, after which each of these pieces has been completely destroyed. I'm suffering, really suffering.

I can't remember being so down - I'm even having (passive) suicidal thoughts. In the plane I was thinking that I wouldn't mind if it would explode in mid-air. Of course I wouldn't actively seek my own destruction, no, that would be too selfish a deed. But it's just that if someone - fate, God, whatever - decides that my time is up right now, I wouldn't mind.

It's amazing how much influence that girl has on me. So much that she basically controls my life - because I let her. Oh I can't be angry with her, I just love her too much, way too much. She said "I'm sorry that I don't love you. Because I really like you, you know...". But not enough, not enough. It seems that what she doesn't have enough, I have too much - so much that it is suffocating me. I've been in this situation for more than a year and a half now, and I just can't give up - she says, by the way, that I shouldn't give up, but rather let go. But now something seems to have broken in me, I have lost all my enthousiasm and desire for life.

My friends tell me to look into other possibilities, but I can't, no, not while my feelings for her are still so strong.

Enough for now. I'll go and try to feel something.